Butterflies
by NettieC
Summary: Harm's world is shattered, first by an accident and then by his own actions.  Can he get through this? R&R at your leisure.  Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes: This story was written a while ago but I thought I'd still share it. **

Mac realised mid week Harm was not alright. Despite his protestations and then his outright rude denial Mac wasn't fooled. He had been his usual self on Monday when Mac had gone into his office to say goodnight, they had even exchanged friendly banter on the progress of Mac's latest case involving a cross dressing lieutenant. On Tuesday morning he was very quiet and kept to himself but as Mac spent most of the day in court she failed to notice the extent of the change in behaviour.

By Wednesday, Harm was surly and argumentative. A passing comment from Sturgis about the weather being unpredictable was met with a tirade of dialogue that was neither cohesive nor logical. Mac had been working in her office and had heard their raised voices from the bullpen. She had followed Harm to his office in an attempt to calm him and to find out the real reason behind his uncharacteristic response. However, for her trouble, she received a dressing down from Harm and was told in no uncertain terms that his mood, his behaviour and his life was of no concern to her and he would appreciate it if she would get the hell out of his office.

Mac, stunned by Harm's blatant hostility, did as he had asked and kept her distance. She did not speak to him or look directly at him for the rest of the day or on Thursday. Late Thursday afternoon, Sturgis came into Mac's office looking worried.

"You got a minute, Mac?" he asked closing the door behind him.

"Sure, Sturgis, what's up?" she knew, by the closing of the door, this would be a sensitive issue.

"Harm!" Sturgis said without elaboration.

"Hmmm! What's going on with him?"

"I was hoping you'd know. He has been rude and obnoxious since Tuesday that is of course when he is not being surly or silent."

"I don't know, Sturgis, he is not exactly speaking to me either. So I guess the question is what happened on Monday? Any suggestions?"

"Not a one."

The pair were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Enter," called Mac and Bud walked in.

"Sir, Ma'am, I was, um, I, um…"

"What is it, Bud?" asked Mac.

"Ma'am, it's the Commander. I can't seem to find him at the moment and I need to speak to him urgently. Do you know where he is?"

"I'm afraid not, Bud. May I ask what's so urgent?" Mac asked.

"Well, I don't know if I should tell…I'm not sure…"

"Commander Roberts, we are quite concerned about Commander Rabb and his behaviour this week. Do you have any information that would enlighten us?" Sturgis asked in an authoritative tone.

Bud sighed heavily and Sturgis and Mac could see mind working. He knew he should share this news, after all they were his friends too, but he felt a fierce sense of loyalty to Harm and wasn't sure if he'd appreciate Bud sharing any information regarding himself. "I really don't know?"

"Bud, if you know something please tell us. It is obvious something happened to Harm this week and he needs help. He won't come to us so we need to go to him. Please Bud!" Mac was insistent.

"Look, I don't know what this means but I'll tell you anyway. I just had a brief meeting with a police officer by the name of Sergeant Leonard Ingram. He gave me this envelope to give to the Commander and he said to tell him that it wasn't his fault, there would be no charges filed and he wished the Commander all the best in dealing with the situation." Bud finally explained.

"What situation is that?" asked Sturgis.

"I don't know, Sir, as the Sergeant wouldn't elaborate but by his mood and his tone I was led to believe that it is or was a sad situation that Commander Rabb finds himself in." Bud flipped the envelope in his hand and dropped it on the desk. In shaky blue writing the envelope read Mr Rabb and a small butterfly sticker sat in the top right corner.

"Who's the letter from?" asked Mac.

"Don't know."

She picked the envelope up and scanned it for any additional detail but it yielded none.

"I guess we need to find Harm," Sturgis said finally. "Any ideas?"

Bud and Mac shook their heads.

Any further discussion was interrupted by the General summoning them to his office. When they were standing at ease in front of his desk, he began.

"I am not too sure as to what you know or don't know in regards to Commander Rabb's week. I have spoken to the Commander and am now aware of the situation he has found himself in. I have ordered him to take leave and he will not be rejoining us until Monday week at the earliest."

"Sir, what is the situation?" Mac asked cautiously.

"I think the Commander should be the one to tell you but I ask you not to pressure him, to give him some time and space to come to terms with matters."

"General, I respect what you've said but …" Sturgis began.

"But nothing, Commander. Commander Rabb will get through this and he will let you know if he wants help or not. Understood?"

"Yes Sir," Sturgis replied.

"Now, I suggest you all wrap it up for the day. I want to see you in the conference room at 0700 tomorrow so we can disperse a few of Rabb's more urgent tasks. Dismissed."

"Aye, aye, Sir," said all three coming to attention. They paused a moment and then walked out silently. Once the door was closed they looked at each other perplexed.

"What is going on?" Bud asked but no one had the answers.

"I'm going over there now," Mac said determinedly. "Harm's obviously in some trouble and he needs a friend."

Sturgis and Bud fought the overwhelming urge they felt to go with her and agreed she may be more successful going alone.

Mac had been at Harm's apartment door for nearly five minutes before she knocked. During her trip over she had thought of all the "situations" Harm could be in. She had rehearsed conversation starters and points of argument as to why or how she could help. She had prepared herself as well as she could in the time allowed but now that she was at the door she was nervous. Her heart began to quicken, she wanted to help Harm but was suddenly scared the situation might be more than she could handle.

Finally she knocked, quietly at first and then a few louder raps, but the result was the same and no one answered. She knocked again and called his name but the door stayed closed. She fished around on her key ring and found his key, the one for emergencies. She thought for a few seconds and decided she could argue this was an emergency. As she raised the key to the lock, Jennifer appeared in the hallway.

"Good evening Ma'am," Jen said, startling her. "The Commander isn't home."

"Hi Jen, do you know where he is?"

"No Ma'am, he left about 20 minutes ago. When I asked where he was going he yelled at me and told me it was none of my business. I mean I know it's not but I've just been so worried about him since it…" she stopped suddenly.

"Since it what, Jen?"

"Since it, since, because of his actions this week, Ma'am."

"That's not what you were going to say, Petty Officer. You said "Since it", go on, spit it out."

"All I know Ma'am is that on Monday night the Commander had an accident and he hasn't been himself since."

"Accident? What sort of accident? Car? What?"

"I honestly don't know Ma'am. I think it was a car accident but only because he has been getting lifts in with me and getting a taxi home. He said his car was in getting serviced but he only had it done two months ago so I think it is in for repairs."

"Did you ask him about it?"

"I tried but he isn't exactly into communicating this week, is he?"

"No, he's not."

Mac decided waiting for Harm to return could be a long and ultimately futile mission so she said goodnight to Jen and made her promise to call if Harm returned. Jen made no such call as she was fast asleep when Harm staggered home drunk at 0415. She went into his apartment on Friday morning before work to make sure he was okay. Initially she was hesitant but as she went into the hallway she noticed his apartment door ajar and thought she should investigate. In the bedroom she found Harm passed out on top of his bed, fully dressed and surrounded by the unmistakable smell of alcohol. She covered him with a nearby blanket and left him to sleep it off. On his bedside table she left a glass of water and a note that read. _Sir, call me at work if you need ANYTHING._

It was early afternoon before Jen managed to catch Mac in her office and despite her feeling that she was betraying Harm, she decided to tell the Colonel of how she'd found him that morning. Mac made no comment but thanked Jen for confiding in her. She squared away her desk and presented herself to the General, asking for an early mark. Whilst the General suspected she was going to see Harm he did not ask, he knew the Commander needed all the friends he had at this time and so he consented without question.


	2. Chapter 2

This time there were no second thoughts in Mac's mind when she arrived at his apartment door. She knocked purposefully and when there was no reply she knocked again, louder and louder. When this failed she used her key and let herself in. Harm was sitting on the sofa, looking dishevelled in the clothes he had slept in, he was unshaven and his hair was messed.

"Hi there Flyboy," Mac said quietly as she shut the door behind her.

"How did you get in? It was locked," Harm didn't bother to look up.

"I used my key," Mac said dangling the key before him.

"Remind me to get it back," Harm said in a plain and unemotional voice.

Mac sat beside him, the smell of stale alcohol apparent and the evidence on the bench suggested he'd tried the hair of the dog remedy. She didn't know where to begin and he had nothing to say. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Mac reached out and took his hands in hers. He made no eye contact but didn't resist her touch.

After another while Mac released her right hand and smoothed Harm's hair down. He made no comment but moved his head, making it apparent her touch was not welcome.

"Harm, talk to me, tell me what happened last Monday." He did not respond.

"Harm," she tried again. "It's alright, you can tell me." Again there was nothing.

She put her hand under his chin and forced him to look at her.

"Harm, what is it?" She watched as his breathing got deeper and deeper, she knew he was trying to control it.

"Harm?" He silently stood up and moved from the sofa. He went to the window and stared out into the afternoon sunlight. He was still trying very hard to regulate his breathing.

"Harm, it's alright, whatever it is. I'm sure it will be alright."

"How the hell would you know?!" He spun around spitting the words out. Mac was stunned.

"I…I….was…," she stammered.

"You were what? What makes you think you can come in here and tell me what's what? Huh?" He marched over to her, rage in his eyes. For the first time since she had known him, Mac felt scared, not of the situation but of him. This was not the man she knew.

"Huh?" he grabbed her arm tightly and pulled her towards him. "Who do you think you are?"

It took Mac a few moments to collect her thoughts. Of all the men who had passed through her life it was Harm she trusted above and beyond them all. It was Harm who, despite the ebbs and flow in their relationship, was the one who she could always count on. Now, on this spring afternoon, he was like every other man who had abused her. With one strong and defiant move she broke his grip.

"What do you think you are doing, Commander?" she yelled back at him. "Keep your hands off me!"

It was then the reality of his actions hit home and it was Harm's turned to be stunned.

"Oh God, Mac, I'm so sorry." He went to touch her arm but she backed away. He was devastated. "Mac, please forgive me. I didn't …I couldn't stand… I…" He sunk to his knees and hung his head. It was then Mac realised he was crying. She instinctively went to him and held him to her. He put his arms around her waist and sobbed into her stomach. She tried soothing words and stroking his hair but he could not be consoled. So, she stood in the middle of the apartment and held him until he was ready.

When the tears stopped, he was at a loss for what to do next. He was heartily ashamed of his actions and couldn't bear to look Mac in the face, nor did he want her to leave, even though he knew she had every right to walk out on him and their friendship.

"Mac, I'm so, so sorry," he eventually said, though it was muffled by her shirt.

She unclasped his hands and helped him stand. He was a mess, his eyes were red and puffy, his nose runny and his shirt dirty and tear stained. It broke Mac's heart to see him this way.

"It's okay, Harm, really it is," she tried to sound convincing but it didn't work.

"No it's not; I should never have grabbed you. You know I would never hurt you. I shouldn't have …Oh God, please forgive me!"

"Harm, ssshhhh! Apology accepted but we do need to talk, don't we?"

Sadly he nodded. "Go and have a shower, freshen up and then we'll talk," Mac said turning him in the direction of the bathroom. While he was in there she took the opportunity to straighten a few things around the apartment and put on a pot of coffee.

Showered, dressed and looking a little more like himself, Harm came back to Mac and again apologised for his actions. He was disgusted in himself and she knew all her forgiveness wouldn't change it. Mac brought two cups of coffee from the kitchen and placed them on the coffee table before sitting down.

"Come and sit with me," Mac said quietly, patting the sofa beside her. She watched as he followed her instructions and when he was seated she again took his hands.

"Now, Harm, in your own time tell me what this is about?"

She waited patiently as Harm thought about what he should say, the words he should use, the way he could give voice to the terrible events of Monday night. After several minutes of contemplation he simply said, "I killed her."

Mac was staggered, of all the things she expected him to say a declaration of murder was not amongst them. "Killed who?" Mac held his hands tighter.

"Letisha Brown."

"Who…? What…?"

Harm took several deep breaths, he knew by saying the words it would be real and the horrors of Monday evening would be revealed for all to see.

"Letisha Brown is…was a six year old little girl I ran over and killed on Monday."

"Oh God, Harm," Mac gasped. She desperately wanted to know the details but thought it was best to give Harm the chance to tell the story in his own words. When he had finished they were both in floods of tears and Mac had thrown her arms around him and held him close to her.

Harm had been driving home down Madison early Monday evening when he had leaned forward to adjust the radio station. From out of nowhere Letisha Brown ran out onto the road and he had no time to stop or avoid her. He hit her with his SUV and she went under the wheels. He had gotten out and called for help immediately. He had tried to render assistance but it was obvious to all the child's injuries were fatal. Her mother, who had been standing at the kerb, had become hysterical and had pummelled her fists into Harm's chest calling him a murderer, a killer and a long list of expletives and curses Harm did not wish to repeat. The police had attended and their initial investigations indicated Harm was not at fault. He had his eyes on the road, he was below the speed limit and he was sober. An eyewitness had corroborated Harm's story that the child had just appeared from nowhere but all the eyewitnesses, police reports and evidence could not change the fact that, accident or not, Harm had caused the death of a beautiful six year old girl and he would never forgive himself.

Harm and Mac sat in silence contemplating the events which had transpired to change his life forever. As the first sign of dusk appeared in the window Mac stood and returned their cups to the kitchen sink. Harm had been right, how could she have thought she could make things alright with a few words and gestures. Regardless of the fact a police investigation had exonerated Harm, he had hit and killed a child and nothing she could say or do would ever change it. She used the short walk back and forth to the kitchen to decide her next action.

Slowly, she returned to Harm who looked every part the shattered man. Mac stopped in front of him and cupped his face in her hands; she raised his head so he was forced to look at her.

"Harm, there is nothing I can say to take away your pain and I am so very sorry for that. You need to remember you are not at fault; it was an accident in the true sense of the word. I know that doesn't make you feel any better at the moment but hopefully it will in time to come."

He dropped his head but Mac raised it again.

"Harm, I am here for you. You don't need to go through this on your own. Let me be here for you, please."

Tears welled in his eyes again, he wanted Mac to help him, he needed her but his actions earlier sickened him and he didn't think he warranted her friendship or respect. His words failed him but he took hold of her hand and kissed it and Mac knew what he meant.

When night fell Mac suggested they order pizza and have a quiet night in. Harm wasn't hungry but agreed because it meant Mac would stay longer, he hoped the delivery would take a long time, the longer the better. Mac dialled the order through and when there was a knock on the door forty minutes later, she picked up her bag to get the money. As she grabbed her purse she saw the letter Bud had received from the police sergeant. She opened the door and saw Jen.

"Oh," said Mac, "you're not him."

"No, Ma'am, I'm her. Who were you expecting?"

"We ordered pizza for dinner I thought you were the delivery guy."

"Sorry to disappoint you. I was just on my way out to do some shopping and thought I'd see if the Commander needed anything," Jen explained before lowering her voice. "How is he?"

Mac tilted her head side to side to indicate a "so-so" response. "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

Jen reluctantly entered the apartment, the Commander she knew was always so strong and sure of himself, she didn't want to see him any other way.

"Sir, I'm…" she began.

"I heard, Petty Officer. No thank you I don't need anything."

"Are you sure, Sir? You haven't gone out at all this week. I don't mind…"

"Jennifer, I don't need anything." Harm said too loudly for Jen's comfort. She quietly said goodbye and backed out of the apartment.

"Harm, she was…" Mac began.

"I know, I know." He sadly shook his head and slunk down on the sofa.


	3. Chapter 3

When the pizza had arrived, and Mac had eaten, she placed the boxes on the kitchen sink. Harm had taken one bite and spent the rest of the time pushing it around his plate. He wasn't hungry and just the thought of food made him ill , even though he hadn't really eaten since Monday's lunch. Mac tried to encourage him to eat, at one stage she even held a piece up to his mouth as if he was a child but he just leaned back in his chair with such a look of despondency Mac didn't push it any further. When things were cleared away Mac retrieved the letter from her bag.

"This came from Sergeant Ingram yesterday," she said handing him the letter. Harm stared at it and then handed it back to Mac.

"I can't open it, you do it."

"Are you sure?" Mac asked trying to establish eye contact.

Harm kept his eyes on the floor and just nodded.

Mac carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the pink note paper it contained. Pale purple butterflies bordered the paper and a pink cellophane butterfly fluttered from the envelope and landed on the coffee table. Harm didn't move but stared at it intently. Mac unfolded the paper and sat beside him.

She quietly read:

_Dear Mr Rabb,_

_I am so very sorry for my behaviour on Monday night. I was just so upset when I realised my little girl had gone. I know I said some horrible, horrible things to you and I regret them tremendously. Please know I didn't mean them I was in shock. _

_Please bear with me and let tell you about my beautiful Letisha. _

_Letisha was my youngest; she was six and a half. She had the most beautiful brown curls and such amazing brown eyes. She was my life. From the time she was born we likened her to a butterfly, she was beautiful and precious and always flittering about. She was here one minute and there the next. She couldn't keep still, always somewhere to go, something to do. And sadly, like the butterfly, her life was short too._

_I know I told you it was your fault but when I had a chance to catch my breath I could see the truth. There have been so many times where Letisha just appeared or disappeared and Monday was not the first time she ended up on the road. I know it wasn't your fault, it was a tragic accident and I am so sorry I made your pain worse. You seemed like such a decent man, you wanted you help Letisha and me on Monday even after I had treated you so poorly and I thank you for that. _

_I know that you will be hurting and, although I have no right, I ask you this, but understand if you say no. Letisha's funeral will be on Monday at 11am at St Anne's Church on Alphington. If you can forgive me, I would be honoured if you would attend and we can say goodbye together._

_Sondra Brown_

When Mac finished she folded the paper and took a few moments to compose herself and brush away the tears which had fallen silently. She turned to see how Harm had handled the letter. He was stunned; a mother in the depths of her own grief had taken a moment to consider his feelings. She had looked beyond her own pain and sought to comfort him in his. He closed his eyes and slowly rocked back and forth, overwhelmed with emotions. Mac gave him a minute before tenderly taking his hands.

"Do you think you'll go?" Mac asked quietly. He shook his head and then a barely audible voice said, "I don't know."

Mac leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder, she was emotionally and physically drained, she couldn't start to imagine how Harm felt dealing with this for a week. Harm responded by putting his arm around her and leaning them both back on the sofa and there they rested awhile.

"Mac," he finally said not sure if she had fallen asleep.

"Yes," she whispered into the darkness of the apartment.

"She wants me to go, doesn't she?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes she does. I think she needs your forgiveness."

"There's nothing to forgive, she was in shock, we both were and she…she acted accordingly. She had just seen her little girl killed, I can understand her anger."

"I understand but it sounds like Sondra needs to hear those three words."

Again silence filled the room while Harm thought about the impact of those three simple words. He understood how important it was for Sondra to hear them because he desperately needed to hear them from Mac. He took a few deep breaths and spoke so quietly Mac had to strain to catch what he was saying.

"I do want to go and, although there's nothing to forgive, I will forgive her if it will ease her pain and suffering. But…" and then he paused.

"But what?" Mac prompted after a short delay.

"But I can't," he said dropped his head.

"You can't? What's stopping you?" Mac said, running her hand up and down his forearm.

"How can I? I killed her little girl."

"Harm it was an accident. She wants you there, she needs you there and you need to be there, don't you?"

He nodded sadly. He did need to be there for some sense of closure but he needed Mac's true forgiveness for his own actions before he could think of forgiving someone else.

For years, the three words he longed to hear from Mac were "I love you." Now, it was "I forgive you." He looked up into her eyes and tried to find the words to ask for her forgiveness. He started and stopped several times and then sat in silence.

"What is it, Harm?"

"I…Can you…You don't…So ashamed…"

Mac knew where he was going; she drew his face around and stroked his cheek.

"Harm, I forgive you, honestly I do," she said tenderly and she held him while he cried silently. She caressed face and stroked his hair and before long he was asleep, the effects of a harrowing week finally taking their toll. Mac eased him down on the sofa and made him comfortable. It was 0430 and she was in no state to drive home. She took herself into his bed and sleep came almost instantly. She awoke a little before eleven and after checking on Harm and, finding him still asleep left him a short note and went home for a shower and a change of clothes.

It had just gone four when she arrived back at Harm's. Mac had showered, changed, packed an overnight bag, ran some errands, picked up some groceries and, most importantly, made the necessary phone calls, ones that she couldn't make in front of Harm. She had phoned Sturgis and Bud and Harriet and although she revealed none of the specific details she did inform them he had been involved in a car accident and he would need their support. They sent their best wishes and Harriet suggested that they get together the following afternoon. Mac made no promises but thanked them anyway. She then rang the General and asked permission for a day's leave on Monday to attend the funeral with Harm. He hadn't asked her to go and as yet she hadn't offered but, as she told the General, it wasn't something anyone should have to do alone. The General consented and informed her that if Harm needed her support for longer and if she could hand off any important matters to Bud or Sturgis, then she could take all the days necessary. Mac was surprised by his genuine concern for Harm and it must have shown in her voice.

"Colonel, I'm not an unfeeling ogre," he said hurt.

"Oh no, Sir, I didn't mean to imply that. I just didn't expect you …"

"Expect me to what? Be human, compassionate?"

"No Sir, I…"

"Colonel, I was once in a situation, not unlike the one the Commander finds himself in. If it wasn't for the love and support of my family, friends and colleagues at the time I don't know if I would have ever got through it. To be honest with you it nearly broke me, but I'm still here, proof that anything's possible."

"Sir, I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

"Not many people do, Colonel, and I prefer it that way."

"I won't say anything, General, but I think Harm would like to hear it from you."

"I'll speak to the Commander at a later stage, when he is faring a bit better. For now, just give him my best and let me know if there is anything I can do, for either of you."

"Aye, aye Sir and thank you."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Notes: Thanks to all those reviewing, your positive comments mean so much. xoxoxo **_

Harm was awake but still lying on the sofa when Mac let herself in. It was obvious he hadn't been awake long and she was happy about this as he needed sleep and its restorative powers.

"Hey Flyboy, sleep well?" Mac asked, closing the door behind her.

He made a grunting sound and gave a half smile, so she took it as a yes. She placed her bag near the closet door and quietly put the groceries away. Harm said nothing but watched her every move, it pleased him she looked so very much at home rattling around in his kitchen.

"Harm, have you eaten?" She said from the kitchen.

"No, not yet," he said, forcing himself to sit up.

"I can get you something if you like," Mac offered.

"No, I'm not hungry."

Mac made her way to Harm and sat on the coffee table facing him "You need to eat, Commander. You didn't eat yesterday and I'm guessing you haven't eaten much all week, right?"

"Well, yeah, but as I said …" his voice trailed off as his head dropped.

"I know – you're not hungry but, surprise, surprise, I am. So, I think you can take me out to dinner." Mac took hold of his hand.

"Oh no, Mac, I'm really not up to going out. I'm not hungry and …" He finally sat up properly but never let go of her hand.

"Alright, we don't have to eat. How about the movies or bowling or a run? We need to do something to get you out of this apartment." Mac suggested eagerly.

Harm sat and contemplated his options, he knew if he didn't take Mac out for dinner then she'd probably cook and his stomach wasn't up for it. He wasn't in the mood for physical activity and he knew his emotions were so raw he'd sob his way through any movie they chose.

"How about we just go for coffee?" he said finally, it would get them out and Mac could eat.

"Sounds good to me. Now go and have a shower and get dressed and we'll be off," said Mac smiling, she was just happy he agreed to go.

Silently they began the three block walk back to Harm's apartment. They'd been out for 127 minutes by Mac's calculations and Harm was desperate to return to the safety of his home. He felt everyone was looking at him, that everyone knew what he had done, he needed sanctuary. A block from their destination, Mac slipped her hand into his.

"Tomorrow we are having afternoon tea at Bud and Harriet's," she said by way of a statement. Harm gave no reply. "Did you hear me, Harm?"

"I heard you."

And silence fell again.

The phone was ringing as Harm fiddled with the key to open his door. He was going to ignore it but he heard the machine pick up and then Mattie's voice. He opened the door and grabbed the phone. Jen had come into the hallway and Mac decided to give Harm some privacy. She followed Jen into her apartment and they chatted about incidental things until Jen could take no more.

"Colonel, can you please tell me what's happening with the Commander?" Jen pleaded, fiddling with the tassels on the pink cushion in her hands.

"Look Jen, the Commander's going through some tough times at the moment but I think it is best if the story comes from him. Can you organise with Mattie to be at the Roberts' house at 1500 tomorrow?" Mac asked.

"Yes Ma'am. I can ring her now and, oh, she was talking to the Commander, wasn't she?" Jen threw down the cushion.

Mac nodded. "I don't think Harm will tell her tonight and it would be good for her to hear it with everyone else."

"Is the Commander going to get through this, Colonel?" Jen asked, picking up and squeezing the cushion again.

"With a bit of luck and a lot of love, I think he will," Mac replied. Knowig she would personally move heaven and earth for him to get through this.

It was 2110 when Harm knocked on Jen's door, he was looking for Mac.

"Good evening, Sir," Jen said brightly.

"Hello Jennifer," replied Harm. "Is Mac here?"

"Yes, Sir." She opened the door fully and Mac exited.

"Goodnight Jen," Mac said. "Catch you tomorrow."

"Yes Ma'am. Goodnight Ma'am, Sir." Harm gave a slight nod then turned to walk down the hallway.

"Sir," Jen called after him. He turned back and she ran to him and hugged him tightly. She said nothing and then let him go and returned to her apartment.

"Did you tell her?" Harm asked.

"No, I told her you'd do it when you were ready," Mac said, her hand on his elbow guiding him back to his apartment.

"So why the hug?" he asked, confused.

"Because she cares about you, she wants to help you." Mac stated simply, closing the door behind them.

"Oh."

Harm and Mac had been in his apartment a while and Mac realised Harm was watching the clock. Every now and then he'd look at her but generally he watched the blue hands dance around the white face of the clock.

"Harm, do you want me to go?" Mac asked pointing to the clock.

"No!"

"It's just you are watching the clock. I thought maybe you wanted me to go." Mac brought two bottles of water to the coffee table.

"It's the other way around actually. I was looking at the clock hoping that you wouldn't say it was time to go. I know I'm not much company but I think I need you here." He dropped his gaze, needing someone so much was foreign to him and he was embarrassed by it.

Mac sat beside him on the sofa and took his hands in hers.

"I told you yesterday, I'm not going anywhere. Didn't you see the bag I brought in with me this afternoon? I'm set to stay. You can't get rid of me that easily." She rested her head on his shoulder.

Harm smiled it was the first good news he heard in a long time.

"Now tomorrow," Harm began and Mac knew where he was going. "I don't really think Bud and Harriet's is the place I want to be. I know they mean well but being around people isn't high on my priority list at the moment."

"I'm people," Mac said quietly.

"But you're different. You're not people, you're…you're…" He stuttered.

"I'm what?" She said turning to look at him.

"You're …you're…the best thing in my life." He finally said.

Mac smiled and kissed his cheek gently, those were the sweetest words she had ever heard.

"That was so sweet, thank you," Mac began, "but it doesn't get you out of tomorrow, Flyboy. Your friends will be there and …"

"Friends? Not just Bud and Harriet." Harm sat up a little straighter.

"No, Sturgis will be there and Jen and Mattie." Mac explained, squeezing his hands.

"Oh Mac, no, I can't face them all at once." Harm tried to pull his hands away but Mac wouldn't release them.

"Don't you think it would be easier to tell them all at the same time, rather than having to go over it again and again?" Mac asked, looking into his clouded blue eyes.

"You're probably right but I don't …" his voice trailed off.

"Harm, answer me this honestly, okay?" Harm nodded. "If this accident had happened to me or Bud or Sturgis or Harriet or Jen, would you want to know?" He nodded again. "Would you accept it if we didn't tell you, shut you out?"

"No, I'd be there for you if you wanted it or …" and then it dawned on him. His friends were only doing what he would have done. He would have helped them whether they wanted it or not. He would have done anything to make their lives better despite any cost to himself. He had already proved it disobeying a direct order and staying aboard the Seahawk after Bud stepped on the landmine.

Mac smiled as she saw the point she was making register. She knew Harm would go with her tomorrow.

"Now Sailor, I think it's time for bed, I mean sleep," she corrected herself, blushing slightly. "I'll make up the sofa."

"No Mac, I'll take the sofa, it's the least I can do, besides I slept quite well here last night." Harm said.

"Are you sure?" Mac asked releasing his hands.

"Yeah." He kissed her cheek and she headed to the bedroom.

The next Mac knew it was nearly dawn and she'd awakened to a heavy weight on her chest. She looked down and found Harm curled up on the bed, his head resting on her breast. Instinctively, she reached down and stroked his head and he stirred.

"Sorry Harm, I didn't mean to wake you," she whispered, into the still dark room.

"That's okay, I…" and then he realised where he was and what he was resting on. He blushed and went to get up. Mac grabbed his arm and pulled him back gently.

"Harm, it's okay, really it is. Just relax, lie back down." Mac persuaded him.

Harm did and rested his head on the pillow next to hers. Mac rolled towards him and draped her arm across his chest and before long both were sleeping again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's notes: Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews – I appreciate them and all the messages.**

Roberts Residence

Mac and Harm arrived after everyone else and Harm could feel their eyes following him from the time the door opened. Normally this would have made him self conscious, today he didn't care. Harriet greeted him with a huge hug and kiss, Bud offered him a beer before he had the chance to sit.

"No thanks, Bud, water will be fine." Harm had vowed he wasn't going to use alcohol to get through this as he lay with Mac that morning. Mac had forgiven him for the day before but he couldn't forgive himself, not now, maybe not ever.

When Harm had his water and Mac had an orange juice Bud got them to sit in the living room. Harm sat on the arm chair and Mac went to sit on the sofa but Harm took her hand and so she sat on the arm of his chair, her hand resting on his shoulder. He looked around at his friends, concern evident on each one of their faces.

"Now I have your attention, I guess I should begin," he said, with a wry smile. "There's no good way of saying this so I'll just say it." He drew a deep breath and pushed on ahead. "On Monday evening, a beautiful little six year old girl, by the name of Letisha Brown, died." His friends listened intently. "She had been walking with her mother down Madison when she ran out onto the road and was hit and killed by an SUV." Harriet gasped. "My SUV. I hit and killed her. I…" He stopped to take a few more deep breaths. Harm had promised himself he wasn't going to cry but he never got to keep the promise as Mattie flung herself into his arms.

"Oh Harm, I'm so sorry," she sobbed into his chest. He held her tight and Mac completed the story.

"It was an accident; there was no fault on Harm's part. She just appeared from nowhere. It was just a tragic accident." Mac said, rubbing her hand on Harm's back.

"That's what Sergeant Ingram meant," Bud stated. "Sir, I'm so sorry. Is there anything you need? Anything we can do for you?"

Harm shook his head sadly. "Not unless you can turn back time Bud."

The afternoon tea gathering continued to be a sombre affair, after all there are not too many appropriate things to say and do after being told of the death of a child. Sturgis, who had to leave early, had a few quiet words with Harm out on the porch. Mac couldn't hear what was being said but saw them hug and Sturgis patting Harm's shoulder as he walked away. Harm remained out on the porch for a while after Sturgis departed. Mac was about to go out and bring him back in when Jen approached her.

"Ma'am, Mattie and I need to go. Mattie needed to be home early and, as it is, I think we'll be a bit late."

"Jen, thanks for being here and bringing Mattie. Harm won't say anything now but he does appreciate it."

Jen smiled but without conviction. Mattie came over and joined them, handing Jen her bag.

"Ready to go, Jen?" she asked.

"Sure kiddo. See you later, Ma'am," Jen replied and headed towards the door.

Mattie came back to Mac.

"Mac, please look after Harm. I know you will but I …I just don't want him to be alone."

"I'll look after him, I promise." Mac smiled and Mattie gave her a hug.

As they broke away Mac saw Harm and Jen talking on the porch. "Mattie, hang on. Just give them a minute."

When Harm and Jen's conversation concluded he hugged her and Mattie went out. A few more words of comfort were exchanged and Mattie hugged and kissed Harm. He stood and watched them depart and waved until their car disappeared around the corner.

He stood there a while longer until he felt Mac's arm slip through his.

"Come on inside, Flyboy," she said tugging at his arm.

With no real ability to decide anything for himself he went back in and sat at the kitchen table with Mac, Bud and Harriet. The conversation was kept light and for the first time in a week Harm felt happy to be around friends.

As the afternoon moved on Harriet brought up the subject no one else had.

"Harm, are you going to the funeral?" she asked, reaching out to hold his hand..

Harm looked at Mac. "Sorry Harm, I told her."

"I don't want to go," he said quietly.

"No one ever wants to go to a funeral Harm," Bud replied.

"Yeah I know. I mean I killed her and while her mother might be alright with me being there, I don't know about the rest of the family. I don't want to make matters worse and I certainly don't want to be the target of …of their grief and anger."

Mac squeezed his hand, surprised he was opening up.

"Harm, saying goodbye is all a part of the healing process. You know that," Harriet said, squeezing his hand.

"How do you ever say goodbye to a child?" Harm said without thinking. Harriet got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen.

When he realised what he had said he jumped up and followed her. "Harriet, I'm sorry. I didn't..."

"It's okay Harm," Harriet said retrieving a piece of paper from the cabinet. "You're right, you can never say goodbye to a child. We lost Sarah four years ago and I have to remind myself everyday that she's gone. When she died we got this poem and it gave me great comfort. When Mac told me about the butterfly reference I thought maybe you'd like to share it with Letisha's mom."

Harriet handed over the worn paper, it was evident that this small piece of paper had been folded and unfolded many times in its four year life. Harm carefully opened it and read it silently. Tears cascaded down his face when he had finished.

Without a word Harriet embraced him and they stood comforting each other until the ringing phone interrupted.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's notes: **_**Thanks once again for the heart warming response to this story – it means so much.**_

**The poem mentioned in the last chapter appears in the next, and final, chapter (not this one) it was all a matter chapter breaks.**

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------ooo--------------------------------------------------------------------- **

Monday morning

After an emotionally draining afternoon at the Roberts home, Harm had fallen asleep on the sofa mid-conversation. To his surprise though, he had awoken at dawn on Monday in the arms of Mac in his own bed. Had the circumstances been different he would have considered himself the luckiest man in the world, but, as it was, he just felt sad. He didn't remember coming into her but it was obvious he had.

He gently raised her arm, hoping to get out of bed before she realised he was there.

"Where are you going, Harm?" she asked sleepily.

"Mac, I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you," he said moving to the edge of the bed.

"It's okay." She reached out and tenderly touched his arm. "Where are you going?"

"I should be on the sofa. I don't even remember coming in here. I'm sorry." His face was a mass of confusion and he couldn't bring himself to look at her.

"Don't be sorry. It's okay" Mac soothed, tugging on his arm. "You were so restless on the sofa I went and got you. You just needed a little TLC and you settled right down. Now where are you going?"

"I was just going back to the sofa." He turned back slightly, wanting to see her, not daring to make eye contact.

"Don't even think about it. Stay with me." Mac pulled his arm back and took his hand in hers. Harm didn't need to be asked again. He settled back in the bed and thought to himself that his bed had never felt so comfortable.

"Mac, about today," he whispered, eyes closed, silently praying.

"Yeah," she whispered, raising herself to look at him.

"Can you come with me?" he asked, eyes still closed, anxiety etched in his features.

"Yeah." She reached up and kissed his cheek.

When the alarm rang at 0830 Harm was surprised to find he was alone in the bed. He lay there for a few minutes before hearing the front door open and the smell of fresh coffee drift in.

"You awake, Sleepyhead," Mac called from the kitchen.

Harm got up, put a robe on and wandered out. "Hi there," he mumbled.

"Now, drink your coffee and eat something. This is going to be a long day and you need your strength. I am going to take a shower and…" Mac began the task of organising them both for the difficult day ahead.

Before she could continue, Harm reached out and wrapped his arms around her. He held her close to him.

"Thank you Sarah, for everything. I couldn't do this without you." He kissed the top of her head and held her a little longer. Mac was his anchor, without her he had no idea what state he'd be in. He'd be forever grateful he didn't have to find out.

St Anne's Church

Harm and Mac stood across the road from the church as the mourners gathered. A few looked their way but nobody said anything. As the time neared 1100 Mac took his arm.

"It's time to go in," she said simply and guided him across the road. Harm froze in the doorway of the simple, wooden church when he saw the small white coffin sitting before the altar. Mac raised his hand to her lips and kissed it before leading him towards the last pew. A young child ran up to him and stared at him. The child said nothing, shook his head and ran back to his mother.

Sondra Brown who had been watching for Harm from the front of the church saw them enter and went immediately to him.

"Mr Rabb," she cried, opening her arms. "I'm so glad you came. I'm so sorry."

Harm embraced the woman and uttered soothing words. Mac stood back and let out a sigh of relief, she knew how much Harm had been dreading this moment. Sondra led them both to the front pew where she was sitting with her other children and her mother.

"We're fine to sit here," said Harm indicating a few empty spots midway up the aisle.

"No, I want you with me," Sondra said taking his hand and walking on. Mac followed.

The pastor stood, as did the congregation, and sang 'Amazing Grace'. Mac had to bite her lower lip to stop from crying, she didn't even want to look at Harm, instead she squeezed his hand and leaned her body into his.

Prayers and blessings were offered. A group of first graders brought toys, books and pieces of Letisha's school work and uniform forward and placed them on the altar. Harm wrapped an arm around Mac and Sondra gripped his other arm. Music, laughter and tears filled the church as friends and relatives spoke of a loving child, taken all too soon.

Then Angeline stood and limped her way to the pulpit. She adjusted the microphone and smiled at her mother, Sondra.

"For those who don't know me, my name is Angeline Brown. I am 13 years old and Letisha was my baby sister. When Tisha was born I was seven and to me she was my very own living doll. Momma had her hands full with Malcolm and Malik and I looked after Tisha. From the moment she was born we had this special connection, I loved her more than I did anyone else and I know she loved me. Ask anyone and they'll tell you how special she was, how she was bright and bubbly and mischievous. She got away with a lot because she was just so cute no one could ever stay mad at her, not even me. Letisha was like a butterfly, always flitting about. You could never keep her still. When Letisha was four I was minding her out the front and she was there one minute and gone the next. I looked up and she was out on the road. I ran and pushed her out of the way and got hit instead. She got a fright and I got my leg broken in five places and still I couldn't stay mad at her." Angeline stopped and closed her eyes, for a young girl in pain she had spoken so eloquently. She drew a deep breath, opened her eyes and continued. "Mr Rabb," Harm stiffened in the pew, Mac held him tighter. "Mr. Rabb, no one here blames you for Letisha's death. We loved her and we knew she was just too beautiful for this world. We know it was an accident and it took so much courage for you to come today, we thank you." Sondra squeezed his hand. "Tisha and I used to sing this song all the time. This time I need your help."

The music started and Angeline began to sing.

Don't be afraid to fly  
Spread your wings  
Open up a door  
So much more inside

Don'tBe afraid to fly  
Come spread your wings and just fly with me and you'll see why  
It's alright to  
Fly  
Fly  
Just fly  
Just fly

Don't be afraid  
Don't let your spirit die

Just  
Spread your wings and prepare to fly  
For you have become a butterfly  
Don't be afraid  
Don't be afraid  
Don't be afraid to fly  
Fly

So much more inside  
Come spread your wings and just flutter right into the sun  
Don't be afraid to fly  
Don't be afraid to just fly

You  
You have become a butterfly  
Don't be afraid to just fly  
(Spread your wings)  
Prepare to fly  
Butterflies  
Are free to fly  
Fly away

Bye bye  
Butterflies  
(You have become a butterfly)  
Are free to fly  
Fly away  
Bye bye  
Bye bye  
Bye bye  
Butterflies  
Are free to fly  
Bye bye

Spread your wings and prepare to fly  
For you have become a butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly  
(Spread your wings and fly)  
For you have become a butterfly  
Fly away  
Fly away  
Fly away  
Fly away  
Bye bye

Fly awayFly  
Bye bye  
Fly away  
Fly  
Butterfly

Harm wiped away the tears as Angeline's angel-like voice filled the church. As she got to the last verse the pall bearers came forward to take the coffin from the church. Harm escorted Sondra behind the coffin leading the other mourners out, in a sad and sombre procession, into the adjoining graveyard where Letisha Brown's body would spend eternity.

After the interment Sondra asked Harm and Mac to join the family back at their home. This was one thing Harm couldn't do so Mac made apologies for them both. Sondra understood and thanked them for their presence and, after a tearful goodbye, left. Mac wrapped her arms around Harm as they stood in the graveyard. She buried her head in his chest and he brought his head to rest on hers. The weather turned unexpectedly cold and light rain began to fall.

"You ready to go home, Flyboy?" Mac asked gently.

Harm nodded. He was ready to be anywhere but next to Letisha's grave.

----------------------------------------------------------ooo----------------------------------------------------------------

** One chapter to go – it's an epilogue.**

_Author's Notes: Song: Mariah Carey / Fly Away (I did have spacing issues with it as far as stanza breaks)_

_**  
**_


	7. Chapter 7

Six Months later

It was a warm autumn Sunday morning when Harm awoke with an uneasy feeling. He couldn't put his finger on it but there was something about the day that wasn't right. He got up, showered and dressed and looked out his window. He had his answer.

A small, beautiful butterfly, with golden wings and purple markings, fluttered up to the glass, as if to kiss him, and then flew off.

"Letisha!" he said exclaimed to an empty apartment. He grabbed the small memorial booklet Sondra had sent to him. Today was her birthday and he knew there was one place he had to go.

He picked up the phone to call Mac, he wanted her to go with him, he needed her to, but there was no answer. He grabbed his keys and opened the front door. There was Mac with two helium filled butterfly balloons in her hand.

"Morning Flyboy," she said kissing him quickly.

"Hi Mac, I wasn't expecting to see you this morning. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, much better. Anyway it's Letisha's birthday today and I thought you'd be heading there and I wanted to come, if that's okay?"

"That's more than okay," he said scooping her up in his arms. "Have I told you how much I love you?"

"Not today." She smiled playfully.

"Well, Sarah MacKenzie, I love you." He gazed into her eyes, sighing deeply. He loved her desperately, she was the shining light in an otherwise dark period of his life.

"I know you do. Now are we going?" She said, bringing him back to the present.

"Don't you have something to say to me?" he asked, eyebrow arched.

"Well, I guess I love you too." She replied in an exaggerated manner.

"You guess?" Harm asked.

"I love you, Harmon Rabb Junior." She kissed him and headed to the door.

"Sarah," he called, pulling her back to him. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve having you in my life but I do know that without you I would never have gotten through these last six months. You were a Godsend and I'll never forget what you have done for me." He kissed her again and they left.

St Anne's Graveyard.

Harm and Mac stood wrapped in each others arms next to the small grave adorned with butterfly motifs. Mac attached the strings of the balloons to a small rock next to the tombstone and the helium butterflies floated peacefully around. Harm retrieved the worn piece of paper from his jacket pocket, the one Harriet had shared with him when this tragedy first occurred.

"Mac, do you mind if I read this?" he asked quietly.

"What is it?" She hadn't seen the paper before.

"It's the poem Harriet gave me the day I told her about the accident." Tears filled his eyes, it may have been six months ago but is felt like yesterday.

"No, go ahead." She nestled closer to him.

"Go ahead Mr Rabb," a voice said from behind. They turned quickly..

"Sondra!" exclaimed Harm. "Sorry, we didn't mean to intrude, we just…"

"Don't apologise, Mr Rabb. I'm glad you are here. Please read your poem," Sondra replied.

Harm unfolded the paper carefully. He had read it so often he knew it verbatim but he knew he would have to rely on the paper today.

**A whispered wish of remembrance**  
**Silent words of loss**  
**A song of good bye**  
**An unspoken prayer for lasting peace**

**A message of hope**  
**Rejoice for the spirit that has passed.**  
**Release the sorrow and the sadness.**  
**Rebuild a life again.**

**Emerging from your cocoon so gently placed**  
**Sensing the freedom in the waiting sky**  
**Wings open and quickly a flight**  
**A drift in the air**  
**dancing with the wind**  
**Aglow in the sunlight.**

**The message of hope**   
**Touching the spirit**   
**Teaching to begin anew**   
**Transforming the wish into hope**   
**on the radiant wing of a butterfly.**

When he finished he carefully folded the paper and put it back in his pocket, he could now return it to Harriet.

"Mr Rabb, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with Letisha."

"We'll go and let you spend some time with Leitisha," Mac offered.

"Thank you, dear," replied Sondra. Mac kissed her and walked away. Harm stayed a few minutes more with Sondra and then, with a few long strides, caught up to Mac. Neither of them spoke until they were back in the car.

Mac fiddled with her handbag but when she realised Harm hadn't started the engine she looked over at him. He was staring at her oddly.

"What's the matter, Flyboy?" He said nothing. "Earth to Harm, come in Harm." She waved a hand in front of his face.

"Oh, uh," he said, blinking and sitting back in the seat.

"Harm, something wrong?" Mac asked concerned. She reached out and took his hand.

"I don't think so," he replied, looking at their hands.

"Then why the space cadet routine?" She touched his chin and he raised his head, she couldn't read his expression.

"Sorry, Sondra just said something and it threw me." He shook his head, trying to find his own clarity.

"And what did Sondra say?" asked Mac.

"Ahh, um, she said you were pregnant," Harm answered, not believing the words he was saying.

"She did, did she?" Mac smiled.

"Well?" Harm's eyes widened, she hadn't said no.

"Well, what?" Mac teased.

"Are you pregnant?" Harm asked, hopes and prayers intermingling.

"No, I'm not." Mac said and smiled wistfully.

"Oh," he said disappointed.

"Well, to be correct I should say _I'm_ not pregnant but _we_ are." She watched her words register in his brain.

"We're pregnant," he repeated, not daring to move in case this was a dream.

"Yes." Mac confirmed.

"You and I, we?" Harm asked, his blue eyes beginning to glisten.

"Yes." Mac confirmed again and squeezed his hand.

"Me and you?" Harm repeated again.

"Anyway you phrase it Flyboy, you got me pregnant." Mac laughed.

"How…how did I do that?" asked Harm stunned given Mac's near impossible chance of natural conception.

"Commander Rabb, do I need to give you a talk on the birds and the bees?" Mac raised her eyebrow and shifted back in her seat.

"No, no, I just meant…" Harm couldn't find the right words.

"I know. Are you happy?" Mac edged closer to him.

"Ecstatic. You?" he answered, coming closer.

"Yep." Mac whispered.

"It's a miracle." Harm said, and indeed that was true.

"Yep." Mac whispered again.

"How far along are we?" Harm's mind began racing.

"We are fourteen weeks along." Mac answered, her ultrasound had confirmed it two days ago.

"Wow!" was the only thing Harm could think to say.

"Yep."

A few moments of silence ensues before the logic, lawyer side kicked in.

"We have so much to do. We have to decide where we are going to live and decorate a nursery and names, I mean the kid has to have a name and schools and … and…" Harm's words came pouring out.

"Whoa, Harm!" Mac put her finger to his lips.

"Too much?" he asked.

"Let's start with the simple things." Mac instructed quietly.

"Yeah, of course. Like what?" he asked, desperate to do anything Mac wanted, after all, she was carrying his baby.

"First you could kiss me and tell me you love me." Mac said, leaning into him.

Harm dutifully obeyed.

"And I have picked a name," she said, her smile as broad as could be.

"Already?" Harm asked.

"I came across it in a name book at the OBGYNs. Vanessa!" Mac exclaimed.

"Vanessa? Is it a girl?" His eyes widened, a baby girl, that would be amazing.

"I don't know yet but if it is I'd like Vanessa." Mac replied, taking Harm's hand and running it over the bump.

"Why? I mean it's a nice name but not one I'd have thought of." He stared intently at Mac's abdomen.

"It was never on my baby names list either," Mac answered, drawing his head up and looking into his eyes, "but it means butterfly."

"In that case, it's perfect."

They kissed as the helium balloons floated upwards, uniting the butterfly in heaven with one about to come to earth.

------------------------------------------------ooo----------------------------------------------------

Poem: Kristi A Dyer / Message of Hope


End file.
